Saturday, March 25, 2006

A Modest Proposal

So, this bloke I know is having a rough time with his withdrawal symptoms. And the misery of that bloke got me to thinking about drug usage, and how constantly taking same can overtax the body and cause feelings of general malaise, immune deficiency, loginess, weariness, and lack of vigor.

And then I had a brilliant idea: why not use the principles of crop rotation to alleviate the burnout that inevitably transpires during drug abuse?

Farmers have known for ages that growing crops in the same patch of soil over and over again can lead to decreased soil fertility, erosion, pest infestation, weather damage, and an increased dependency on agricultural chemicals. I think the analogue between the fertile soil of the plains of Kansas and the fertile neuronal tissue of the mammalian brain is quite obvious in hindsight.

So, my proposal, then, is to rotate the drugs taken by a user on a seasonal basis. Let's run through a hypothetical example:

  • A bloke, let's call him `K', normally smokes enough marijuana to bake several potatoes a day. By the end of three months, `K' is feeling logy with a pronounced loss of vigor. He can barely crawl in to work in the morning, and it takes all his energy just to say `Good Morning' to other blokes in the office. In the past, `K' would have had to, cold turkey, give up his beloved weed, and start eating healthy and exercising to clean the toxins from his body.
  • Now, instead of that unnatural resolution, `K' rotates his drug of choice, from sweet ganja to, say, crack cocaine. The intensely euphoric high that results from this solid derivative, or "base", of powdered cocaine quickly pumps `K' up, and he becomes quite the jovial fellow as the marijuana toxins eventually leach out of his system.
  • Three months later, however, `K' is always irritable and anxious. His blood vessels are constricted, his heart rate is through the roof, and he's so restless that he can barely listen to 10 seconds of track 1 of the latest Sigur Ros release. Time to switch to something more natural, more tranquil. Magic mushrooms should do the trick. Nothing like tripping your ass off to the avant garde films of genius Stan Brackhage, or gazing in wonder at the amazingly intricate miracle that is your own hand.
  • Once again, though, three months later `K' has a perpetual loopy grin plastered on his face. He is often heard by his co-workers to say things like, "Far out, Man" and "Groovy, Man" and "That's awesome, Man". Flashbacks are starting to destroy his sense of time and space, and he's starting to question just who and what he is. Is he real? Is he a dream? Does anything actually exist at all, and just what is this "reality" that everyone keeps talking about? Time to mellow out, chill a bit, and get his head on straight. Opium should do quite nicely at this point. So `K' creates a small opium den in his apartment, complete with soft cushions and a large Syrian hookah pipe with several branching hoses for himself and any friends. `K' dreams his sweet opium dreams while his mind slowly mends from its journeys to the farthest reaches of reality.
  • After 3 months of this love affair with the poppy, though, `K' has become weak and emaciated due to his lack of interest in eating actual food. A noxious odor emanates from his unwashed body, and his teeth are mossy and discoloured. He's on the verge of losing his job, so it's time to rotate back to the beginning of the cycle, smoke some delicious tai stick, and start putting back on all that weight that he'd lost.
Well, there you have it. I just know it's gonna work. Of course, the proposal is still quite theoretical at this point, so I'd like to use the afore-mentioned bloke as guinea pig. I'd like to have him give this regimen a try for a year; I'll strictly monitor the experiment, taking regular blood and urine samples, and objectively rate his mental and physical acuity as the year progresses.

Hopefully at the end of the experiment we'll see a hale and healthy young lad, with his third eye wide open and freshly squeegeed.


K said...

this is the solution I have been waiting for. i always knew that the answer wasn't less drugs, but more drugs. let's do some science.

emetic sage said...

sure, k, if that's your REAL name -- let's do some science. you supply the drugs, and i'll supply the lab testing and psycological evaluations...

K said...

in that case, let's replace the crack with something a little less evil. some lucy maybe?